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Boy Erased: A Memoir of Identity, Faith and Family
Garrard Conley
SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING LUCAS HEDGES, RUSSELL CROWE AND NICOLE KIDMAN, AND WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY JOEL EDGERTON‘A necessary, beautiful book’ Garth Greenwell, author of What Belongs to You‘A brilliant memoir’ GuardianThe son of a Baptist pastor and deeply embedded in church life in small town Arkansas, as a young man Garrard Conley was terrified and conflicted about his sexuality.When Garrard was a nineteen-year-old college student, he was outed to his parents, and was forced to make a life-changing decision: either agree to attend a church-supported conversion therapy program that promised to “cure” him of homosexuality; or risk losing family, friends, and the God he had prayed to every day of his life. Through an institutionalised Twelve-Step Program heavy on Bible study, he was supposed to emerge heterosexual, ex-gay, cleansed of impure urges and stronger in his faith in God for his brush with sin. Instead, even when faced with a harrowing and brutal journey, Garrard found the strength and understanding to break out in search of his true self and forgiveness.By confronting his buried past and the burden of a life lived in shadow, Garrard traces the complex relationships among family, faith, and community. At times heartbreaking, at times triumphant, this memoir is a testament to love that survives despite all odds.
Copyright (#u80db6e2c-8c07-5cee-9b52-760449861c62)
William Collins
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.4thEstate.co.uk (http://www.4thEstate.co.uk)
This eBook first published in Great Britain by William Collins in 2018
Copyright © 2016 by Garrard Conley
Cover design by Rachel Willey
Garrard Conley asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins
Source ISBN: 9780008276980
Ebook Edition © March 2018 ISBN: 9780008276997
Version: 2018-07-03
Dedication (#u80db6e2c-8c07-5cee-9b52-760449861c62)
For my parents
Epigraph (#u80db6e2c-8c07-5cee-9b52-760449861c62)
Yet she could see by their shocked and altered faces that even their virtues were being burned away.
—FLANNERY O’CONNOR, “REVELATION”
If I’m looking at that wall and suddenly I say, “It’s blue,” and someone else comes along and says, “No, no. It’s gold.” But I want to believe that that wall is blue. It’s blue, it’s blue, it’s blue. But then God comes along, and He says, “You’re right, John, it is blue.” That’s the help I need. God can help me make that wall blue.
—EX-GAY LEADER JOHN SMID, IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE Memphis Flyer
Contents
Cover (#u32368c48-23c2-53a2-b320-df829b4e3cc5)
Title Page (#u9a35337e-6e0d-5bcc-98df-6036911c3abf)
Copyright
Dedication
Epigraph
Author’s Note
Timeline of the Ex-gay Movement
I
Monday, June 7, 2004
The Plain Dealers
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Other Boys
Friday, June 11, 2004
Prisoner’s Cinema
II
The Smallest Details
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Diagnosis
Monday, June 14, 2004
Self-Portrait
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Author
About the Publisher (#ua223be45-4de2-5431-aa3c-9251b0d3cf28)
Author’s Note (#u80db6e2c-8c07-5cee-9b52-760449861c62)
During my time at Love in Action (LIA), no journaling, photographing, or any other method of recording was allowed inside the facility. To that effect, all events, physical descriptions, and dialogue have been reconstructed to the best of my ability. My mother’s and my memories, LIA’s ex-gay handbook, newspaper articles, blog posts, and personal interviews have supplemented the empty spaces where trauma has made dark what was once painfully clear. As in most memoirs, the chronology is accurate, altered only in places where the narrative requires it. I have excluded details that seemed irrelevant to the nature of the story. The names and certain identifying characteristics of some key figures in my life, including Chloe, Brandon, David, Brad, Brother Stevens, and Brother Neilson have been changed.
I wish none of this had ever happened. Sometimes I thank God that it did.
I (#u80db6e2c-8c07-5cee-9b52-760449861c62)
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